I started this blog for the sole purpose of making my thoughts tangible. This was my hideout, where I could freely express my opinions and no one would care if it was absurd or if it was disagreeable, because opinions could always be changed and I saw myself, in the form of blog posts, grow into a better or worse person.
I was sixteen when I shared my unrequited feelings over my crush on a guy who was the top of his class. He recently graduated as a Summa Cum Laude, too, from BS Computer Science. I was proud of him because despite his financial problems, he was able to graduate with flying colours. I reread my blog posts pertaining about him, and sufficed to say, I was cringing at all of my silly actions. But hey, we would always be stupid. Life hadn’t given us all the answers. We might cheat during exams but life wouldn’t give us a one-way ticket to success.
And success was something that was solely defined by every person. Maybe winning an eating contest would be a success for someone, or just staying middle-class and working to provide for the family was enough for the other. (But let’s be honest. We all secretly want to be rich.)
After having moved on from my unrequited crush over this guy, here came my senior year in high school and another guy walked into my life. It might have been very obvious that he was the only guy I always kept talking about and rereading blog posts about him made me realize he evoked too much emotions out of me. I actually fell in love for him but I was too young to understand if it was love–or maybe just an infatuation. There were nights when I questioned myself like, “Why didn’t he choose me?”, “Why did I tell him what I truly felt for him?”, and most of all, “Why me?”. I didn’t know if he really did like me, maybe I was assuming a lot of things out of him. Whenever we talked alone, we never addressed the elephant of the room: our unspoken feelings.
I really loved him. I truly loved him. He was so beautiful on the inside, and talking to him made me forget I was ugly or too insecure of myself. He never told me I was beautiful, but when he looked at me I felt that I was. A lot of people noticed during my fourth year in high school that I was blooming into a whole new person. He was one of the people who made me gain my confidence. But that was all in the past now. He never chose me, even after I told him my feelings towards him, and that meant I would never be enough for him. It was okay, I already accepted the fact that we were never meant to even have a relationship to begin with.
It took me almost four years to get over him. I don’t know if it was because I gave everything to him–forgetting to keep a piece for myself–or maybe I was only in love with the idea of him and maybe that was why he left me. That’s the problem, I romanticized the idea of being in a relationship, forgetting that relationships are real and heartbreaks are totally painful and there’s nothing beautiful about it. It’s fucking ugly.
For the past four years I’ve been romanticizing the idea that he would come back or maybe someone would come along better. There wouldn’t be unless if you kept ahold of yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate the people around you. Sometimes though, at the back of my mind, I wished someone would just love me, and hold me close and tell me everything would be okay. I wished someone would just be there for me no matter what but at the end of the day, it’d be me who would look out for myself.
And I wished that someone was the person I’m currently thinking now. It didn’t necessarily mean this person would do it in a romantic way, it’d be too early for me to jump into liking another person, but at least I would still feel valued. Maybe this person values me a lot, but I don’t see it in my own eyes.
If other people at the background would pay attention to our interaction, they could conclude this person I was thinking cared for me more than I even noticed. I was still unsure of what he truly felt towards me, if only I could just ask him away if he cared for me, then I would be in peace. Instead, I’m only left by varying opinions of people I’ve talked to over this situation and they were pretty positive that he cares for me, and that he even likes me more than that (but I’m a hundred percent sure he isn’t).
So for four years, even if I’ve learned a lot when it comes to pressing social issues, I still haven’t learned how to deal with people. How do I deal people that I dislike? That I like? That I’m pining on? I felt stuck. I wanted to be myself, but then I’d have to learn how to tolerate people, not that they’re grating on my nerves, it’s just that there are times where I feel trapped especially when I express my opinion. They suddenly shy away instead of being interested to what I have in my head.
What I disliked most is that the older I grew, the people around me talk about hooking up, falling in love or just be in a relationship even if it isn’t even necessary for them. I guess we people will feel validated if we like someone. I’m not saying not to flirt, but it’s just that the people I’m with only talk about girls and their adorable features. I’m a girl surrounded with men who search for girls on Facebook and stalk the girls’ photos if she’s pretty or not. I don’t hate it, I just hate that I’m trapped and I find no one to get into deep conversations with.
I’m a blubbering mess. This ends my blog post tonight. I’m physically tired.